Of Froggies and Phallic Produce
by SushiBomb
Summary: In which Fran is oblivious, everyone is in utter disbelief at his obliviousness, and Squalo drives himself into a river. CRACK-SPANK. Rated for blatant perversion and dirty humor, language, and general Varia shenanigans. Enjoy kids !


A/N: I'm going to get beat for writing this. I know it. But oh well, read it anyway. Reid, Indigo, here you go. The blatantly obscene little crack spank I promised you yesterday lol

This is based on a very weird Facebook RP status gone wrong between me, **Reidluver** (aka Bel) and **Indigo Avarice** (aka Mammon), about…cucumbers. Nothing good can come of this.

Warning: Gratuitous amounts of innuendo and dirty humor, language, Fran being oblivious and derpy, and general Varia-ness.

Your neurons will cease to function, I mean it. But it's all good. Read on, kiddies. I just wrote it as straight dialogue, because I liked it better that way.

Disclaimer: Sushi*Bomb does not owne Katekyo Hitman Reborn. But I do own that cucumber. Not really.

* * *

><p>Of Froggies and Phallic Produce<p>

* * *

><p>"Come on Luss, it's just a stupid goddamn salad! No one eats it anyway."<p>

"Fran eats it~!"

"Who gives a fuck about that dumb toad? We should eat without him because he's worthless."

"Yes, well that dumb toad was the only one who volunteered to run down to the market and fetch me my cucumber, and we are not eating until he gets back!"

"Fucking Fran. Even when he's not here, he still finds a way to ruin the prince's day."

"But I much prefer annoying you in person, just so you know."

"About damn time!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Um…what's everyone staring at?"

"Whoa…"

"Well, fuck me."

"What is it?"

"Goddamn that's a fucking huge cucumber."

"Oh…yeah, well I figured since Luss-nee-san was making such a large salad, that I'd buy the biggest cucumber I could find for it."

"Yeah no kidding."

"You definitely succeeded in THAT endeavor, frog-face."

"But you know…it was the weirdest thing."

"What was?"

"When I was walking to the register, I was just holding the cucumber in my hand…and for some reason, that was apparently the most shocking thing everyone in that store had ever seen."

"Can't imagine why…"

"Me neither! It was so awkward; everyone was just watching me so intently as I walked by with the cucumber in my hand."

*snort*

"Like this one guy, his jaw was on the freaking floor! Like he couldn't _believe_ I had the audacity to buy this fucking cucumber in broad daylight or something."

"Fran…you can't really be that oblivious…"

"I'm pretty sure that's not what he was thinking about, froggy. Ushishishishi~!"

"And this other woman, she covered her kid's eyes. It's a vegetable for Pete's sake. The way people were looking at me, you'd think I was holding the Holy Grail or something."

"You could see it that way…ohoho~!"

"And it was kinda wet for some reason, so I was trying to wipe it off-"

*SNORT SNORT*

"Ushishi~!"

"-and it kept slipping around-"

"Ohoho~!"

"-and then I dropped it and it got white stuff all over it."

"Pffftt hahaha!"

"So I had to wipe it off again! It was so annoying. And then the guy at the register, he was so creepy."

"Ushishi~! How come?"

"I don't know…he just gave me this weird look when I set the stupid cucumber down on the conveyor belt. And then he was all like "'Son…any reason you need a cucumber that big?'"

"Yeah no shit."

"And then I'm like, 'well yeah, the bigger the better, and it's going right in my mouth as soon as I get home.'"

"You really said that?"

"Of course I did, those are my intentions, after all."

"Haha, what'd he say?"

"Nothing! He just turned red as hell and scanned it really quick. He seemed uncomfortable for some reason."

"Yeah…one very stiff reason down in his pants…pfft."

"I can't possibly imagine why, honest."

"And then he said have a great day, and I'm like, 'I sure will, now that I have this cucumber.'"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"USHISHISHISHI~!"

"OHOHOHO~!"

"PFFFT HAAAAHAHAHA!"

"See! You're doing it too! I don't get it. It's just a cucumber! What the hell is so funny?"

"Hahaha…whew…Okay…Fran, since you're _clearly_ retarded, I'll show you…what does that cucumber look like to you?"

"A cucumber …that's going right in my mouth?"

"Ushishi~! He makes it so fucking easy…shishi~!"

"That's…certainly **one **use for it... Think about it."

…..

"Hmm…I don't know, long-haired commander, it's a cucumber. What is it?"

"You're fucking kidding."

"Honey, take a _closer_ look."

"You can't honestly be that fucking blind, Fran."

"Apparently I am, because I don't get what the big deal is."

"Fran…doesn't it look like a certain _other_ thing that occasionally goes in someone's mouth?"

"A pickle?"

*Face-palm*

"No faggot!_ Not_ a pickle! Try again!"

"Um…"

"Oh my fucking God if this kid doesn't get it, I **will** kill myself."

"Ushishi~! Good, we'd all be better off."

"Voii! Fuck you prince bitch!"

"Fran, sweetie, isn't there anything _else_ you put in your mouth that looks like that?"

"Here, we'll give you a hint. You have one."

"Well that's not much of a hint, sempai. Clearly, I have this cucumber right now."

*SMACK*

"No you fucking retard! You had one **before** you acquired the motherfucking cucumber!"

"Ooohh, I know what it is now."

"Good, I'm glad to hear you aren't th-"

"-a flashlight."

"…"

"…"

*Sigh*

"That's it. I'm leaving. I'm going to get in my goddamn car, and I am going to drive it right into a motherfucking river. Goodbye."

"Bye Squ-chan~!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"Okay hun, here's a better hint: If you stroke it the right way, it gets really hard and squirts things. Hoho~!"

…

"Hmm…I don't think I own anything like that…"

"Motherfuck."

"You know, I'm starting to believe that."

"Just tell me what it is. Please?"

"Okay, one final hint."

"I'm ready."

"You make **babies** with it."

…

"Hmmm…"

"…"

"…"

"Hmmm…"

"Well?"

"I got it."

"Dear God, I hope so."

"By process of elimination, I deduce that this cucumber looks like a…"

"He has it this time!"

"Good boy Fran!"

"You're not a stup-"

"A test tube!"

…

"…"

"…"

"Did I get it?"

...

...

...

...

"IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING PENIS FRAN! A PENIS YOU IMBECILE! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"A penis?"

"YES~!"

"_Oooh_…I see now. Oh wow, I can't believe I didn't think of that."

"…"

"Where's everyone going?"

"To join Squ-chan in the goddamn river."

"I'm sure there are fish carcasses down there smarter than you."

...

"Are we still eating? I'm really hungry."

…

"Guys?"

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><p>And it is done. There is simply no explanation for this *laughs* perversion of fanfiction. But I'm sure you all would like to hear the <em>real<em> story. A few years ago, I went to this bobo-ass little supermarket to buy a cucumber, because me and my friends were having a spa-day at my friend's house. And of course, I bought the biggest one I could find, you know? Perfectly logical. And I swear to God, all of the men in that goddamn place had full-on boners at the sight of me walking around with this huge ass cucumber. It was very awkward, walking to the register with nothing but this huge-ass cucumber in my hand…. ANYWAY. Yeah that's the story lol

Read and Review kids~

S*B xoxo


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